Extras  Members  Newsletter 
 
October 02, 2002
Volume I, Issue 11
 
Fringe Clippings
 
You're kidding, right?
 
Golf Week - Apparently Tiger Woods was playing Sunday's single match with a fever. Curtis Strange said this fever was not an excuse for not winning. Agreed, so why bring it up? Reportedly the fever broke on the course ... ironically, so did the American team.
 
Here's one for the ages
 
Golf Week - Rich Beem's ex-caddy, Steve Duplantis, showed up at Sunday's final round of the Tampa Bay Classic wearing only a towel and t-shirt. Seems poor Steve got a little disoriented. Despite the hangover and all-night partying, he somehow had the presence of mind to catch a cab to the event, borrow more appropriate attire, and then perform his caddy duties for Garrett Willis.
 
Fresca for all my men
 
Associated Press - Augusta National can now count amongst its membership, Martha Burke apologists. There is a small but growing faction of the "august" membership that believe in the movement of the NCWO. Compromise is at the heart of this issue for those members who think the effort to preserve their "men only" status has taken a turn for the bad.
 
No more hotties
 
Associated Press - The British Open will no longer allow the use of non-conforming drivers. The R&A said it had introduced a "coefficient of restitution" — how quickly the ball springs from the club face — to limit the spring-like effect. Any player not abiding by the rule will be disqualified. The 2003 British Open will be played at Royal St. George's Golf Club in Sandwich, England, July 17-20.
 
 
Paralysis by Analysis
 
Five handy items for your next round!
 

There are always things that golfers need. But lets not look at the obvious. We already know that with out a bag and clubs you could not possibly play a single hole. Not to mention the little dimpled sphere that we desperately try to make do our bidding. But what else must we not forget before we leave our comfy surroundings in search of the elusive dream of par?

Well luckily, here at Off the Fringe when it's raining we have time to ponder the things that are not so obvious. Here are the five things you should never forget at home.
  1. Shin Pads — Invariably when playing amid a foursome there will be someone who does not play particularly well that day. That person in turn will most assuredly at some point during the round fire a two iron (which no doubt should not be in their bag). The mighty 2 iron shot will likely be shanked somewhere in the vicinity of your lower extremities. Protection is needed.
  2. Hatchet — You're probably guessing from the defense position taken in the first listing that this will be to inflict pain upon that person in retaliation. Well you're sick for thinking that. This is a family-oriented piece! No, the hatchet is there for blazing a trail through that thicket of saw-grass or brush that your last ball went into of course! Don't tell me you have never been that deep, because if you do it's already gotten too deep for the hatchet.
  3. Wedding Ring — All right, Romeo! Listen up. The cart girl flirts with you for tips ok! It's not real. So before each round shine that symbol that has no beginning and no end and perhaps your concentration will benefit!
  4. Swiss Army Knife — This may not seem out of the ordinary to some. However, we are betting that you probably have no idea why we suggest you bring one. Easily disguised in the pocket as a divot tool, the knife can come in handy when searching for your ball (see item 2). One clip of the scissors in the pocket with the extra ball you carry and ... Oh LOOK there it is! Hole easily stitched for those vain of damaging their apparel.
  5. Cell Phone and Pager — No this is not to impress anyone. Most people already know you're not that important, but what they don't know is that when you are five down with three holes to play at a twenty dollar a hole match and spiraling downward, you can page yourself with a phony number! Pay off the five holes and go hide.

So now with respect to the USGA rulebook — hey, you're hitting a driver that doesn't conform so don't give me lip. Now you are prepared like no one else on the course. Unless, of course, you're unlucky enough to play with the likes of the author, who has withheld three more handy tools. Advantage, editor!
 
 
Reading the Line
 
That's all I have to say about that
 
Strange, isn't it, that everyone seems to second-guess the losing captain of a Ryder Cup team. There are too many captains and too many Ryder Cups to go into detail about how history has played conductor to the one-man band of Ryder Cup captain. The truth of the matter is this:

David Toms and Scott Verplank not withstanding, we stunk!!

Tiger, Davis, Scott, Hal, Stew, Jim, Paul, Dave, Mark and everyone's favorite flop shot artist, Phil were flat out horrible. That's not what should upset you as an American, though. It's not losing that one should ever take offense to. But rather the way the game was played. I've seen more heart from Girl Scout mothers selling cookies in front of Wal-Mart on a hot Florida weekend.

Perhaps this event should become voluntary next time. That way at least we have some boys out there playing with elevated hemoglobin counts that genuinely want to feel the rush! Funny what three years of forgetting how much this meant to us will do isn't it?
 
Hats off to some fabulous ladies
 
It was brought to my attention that we might not be dedicating enough copy to women's golf. It certainly was not our intention to do so, but as it is a viable argument we would like to take a moment to redress our wrong and congratulate some outstanding 2002 accomplishments.

Annika Sorenstam — 10 WIN SEASON! Simply Amazing!
Beth Bauer — Rookie of the Year. Tremendous talent and marketing potential!
Suzy Whaley — First woman to qualify for a PGA Tour Event - Spectacular!
US Women's Solheim Cup Team — What a story! Our boys could learn some things!
 
Randy and Mrs. Burke
 
Has anyone heard from Mrs. Burke about the insistence of prosecution of football player Randy Moss? You know the guy who nearly ran over female traffic officer, Amy Zaccardi? What appeared to many to be a felony reduced to three simple misdemeanors. Oh yeah, that's right Mrs. Burke, this year's agenda is focused on wealthy elitist boys who don't want to let you into their tree house. Apparently you have no interest in what appears to be a clear display of broken laws that favor superstar athletes. That you know you can't win.
 
A fine display of appreciation
 
Perhaps you have seen Tiger's new girlfriend? The gorgeous model-looking blonde behind the ropes, Ellen Nordegren. Before touring with Tiger became her "full-time job" she was Jesper Parnevik's nanny. Parnevik's wife introduced Ellen and Tiger and the birdies sang. They were immediately smitten! Fast forward to the final pairing in Sunday's Ryder Cup. Tiger's meaningless four-foot miss to win the hole and put the match back to square seems like a nice payback, doesn't it?
 
 
 

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